Well, I’ve completed my working year for 2009 and I have to admit the final stages have left me in a not necessarily happy place. During the last term I have not felt completely comfortable in my roles or completely satisfied with my work life. A few of my more perceptive colleagues have picked up on this and attempted to engage me in conversation to discuss the reasons for my “uncertainty.” Since the school year completed for me (about 5 weeks ago) I have been sparodically reflecting and thinking about why I feel this way. My reflections lead me to believe there are a number of reasons, and I need to sort it out before the start of the 2010 working year or I fear I may lose my ability to provide a quality service.
First and foremost I think I have developed a confusion of roles, and ultimately this has resulted in me not being sure of where I want to be professionally. I am employed as a Head of Department (called Head of Faculty or Subject Master in other organisations) which has a half teaching load. I think that I need to constantly remind myself that this is my primary role, its what I was employed for. Anything else that I want to do is an extra. And this is where I believe I have confused myself this year as I have pursued other options and opportunities, at times neglecting my staff and primary role. This pursuit of other opportunities is (I believe) a result of an extreme desire to contribute to the progression of my profession. I see and think through a range of possibilities and processes for refinement of practice and greater collaboration and efficiency of work. This ranges from basic skills training on technology (eg. How tos and tutorials) through to 5 year visioning of staff development programs for my place of work. I’m not sure why these are bouncing around in my head, but it quite often results in me feeling like my head is going to split due to so many unshared ideas and thoughts. I have an intense desire to learn more, and to share that knowledge with whoever will attend to it. Self confidence in my ability to contribute is a direct result of my colleagues and PLN displaying faith in my contributions. This has reinforced my desire to share and contribute where possible, and I am eternally grateful for their faith and support. It is the PLN that kept me powering on through 2009.
A result of this desire to learn and share I have been offered opportunities to contribute to a range of initiatives. Some of these are within my school whilst others are external. I have agreed to contribute to the vast majority of these with the blessing of my administration. What this has resulted in is the following list of responsibilities other than leadership and management of my subject area within my school;
- District Review Panel Chair (Health Education)
- Member syllabus sub-committee (Health Education)
- Regional Facilitator for ICTs in Learning
- eLearning support teacher
- Member school IT committee
- Presenter at various conferences for DETA, QSA, ACHPER
- Lead teacher on project with Qld Health
- Lead teacher on project with Griffith University
- Mentoring of pre-service teachers
- Digital Pedagogy Leadership project
When I look at this list I begin to think its no wonder that I often felt like I was not achieving all that I needed to achieve. It also reinforces to me I am a classic example of someone who struggles to say no to opportunities that are offered to me. But as I also reflect on the uncertainty within my own head and decreasing collegiality I feel with my team then I begin to think that the continual drive for my own development and contribution to greater causes is not fair on others who depend on the presence and accountability of a person as their Head of Department. This is particularly relevant to the teachers I have recruited for the Transformational Learning Project. I have a commitment to them, they deserve the fulfillment of that committment.
Something which has contributed heavily to me questioning my continuation as a teacher and Head of Department is the reduced joy I have felt from actually teaching high school students. That is not to say I have not enjoyed the engagement and learning, but I used to love teaching. I used to love every minute of each interaction with my students. But this year it seemed more like a job than a passion. This feeling in itself drove me to deeper feelings of uncertainty and unhappiness as I began to question why this was occurring, and whether I really wanted to be a teacher anymore. After much thought I truly believe this is the result of the long list of other roles I strived to include in my working life. These roles were new, exciting, high profile and continually reinforced as a range of people offered various forms of support and encouragement. My school even added another 2 lines of time to allow me to productively contribute to the school based roles.
What this resulted in was me teaching only one class. So in reality, actual teaching was a minor part of my employment throughout 2009. And continually adding to my list of roles was further diluting its relevance within my working life. For someone who proclaims (and believes he does) love teaching, confusion and uncertainty resulted. I understand my administration were attempting to support my pursuit of these roles, and there was benefit to them and the school from my involvement. However their unwavering support has been confused by inconsistent knowledge of my responsibilities. This was partially a result of a transient administration within my school for 2009 and insufficient communication from me to my upline manager regarding my total work experience.
So here I am, not knowing whether I want to continue as a teacher, Head of Department, eLearning advocate or even some other role. At least that is how I ended 2009, and to some extent will being 2010.
I’ve taken the time to re-read one of my favourite books. A book that never fails to get me thinking about who I am and why I do what I do. A book that encourages me to reflect on my actions, and the results of these. This time around it has taken on so much more significance as I attempt to straighten out my thoughts. The book is “First Things First” by Stephen Covey, Roger Merrill and Rebecca Merrill. Each time I read this book I end up with pages and pages of notes, and a determined plan of action to sort out my life. This time around I really need it.
So what has my reflection and reading lead me to realise;
- I want to teach.
- I want to continually pursue new knowledge.
- I want to challenge my own practice.
- I enjoy sharing and contributing.
- I need a process through which I can realise the need to share that minimises absence from school.
- I need to regularly reflect and plan.
- My staff are great.
- I need to be present and accountable for my staff.
- I need to ensure my family remains my first priority.
- I need to figure out where I want to be in life.
This final point is perhaps the most salient. I need to know that if Head of Department for HPE is not where I want to be, then my staff deserve someone who does want to be that. In other words, if it is not where I want to be then I should be actively seeking other employment opportunities which will provide another capable staff member the chance to support and guide these wonderful teachers through their professional life. How do I figure this out – the answer is actually quite simple. Dedicate one year to it and through that experience reflect on my desire to continue. This means I need to restrict my external involvement in other opportunities. There are two external roles I am committed to, and I need to draw the line at that. I am also allocating myself a full (half) load of classes, giving me a chance to experience teaching as a major component of my employment.
Two words are continually propping up in my mind and thoughts – accountability and presence. My 2010 working year will focus on these as guiding principles for my decisions and actions. I intend to be present for my staff and my students. I intend to be accountable for what occurs in my department, significantly focusing on learning and relationships. I will be present, and I will accept personal accountability.
So I enter 2010, unsure but determined. I cannot see the future at this point, but see the methods to plan and act in accordance with the guiding principles of accountability and presence to test my intent to continue within these roles. Wish me luck.